Shenyang was the first place I lived in China. It was like a first love, and I still feel very attached to it. I loved the people here. I loved the food. I loved the work I did and basically everything except the pollution and the way that one person on the bus rubbed my arm to feel how hairy I am. That was awkward. But the funny thing is that I realize now I didn’t see much of the city at all. I didn’t really explore that much aside from what was very nearby. So I decided to go back to where my school was and look around to see if I recognized anything.
The short answer is no. I know it is a little naïve to expect anything to remain stable after 9 years in China, but the entire area was entirely rebuilt. I actually passed the block where the school was without realizing it. The school: gone, the university: gone, the market: gone, the cafe that had the free snacks and the all-you-can-drink tea: gone, the funky restaurant that served those incredible fried spiced potato slices: gone. Again, it’s silly to imagine anything would be there, that’s just the way China works, but it was still a little hard to take.
I had one last chance. There was a park that surrounds the tomb of the first Qing Emperor. Surely that couldn’t have changed. I used to go there all the time. I’ve probably got rolls and rolls of 35mm in a box from that place. And it was nearby.
It’s there, and it’s almost entirely the same. It’s still beautiful. It’s amazingly peaceful and quiet. The air is very nearly fresh and because of the chilly weather, it was even fairly empty. Wonderful, I wish I could have stayed the whole day. They’ve even become a UN heritage site now, so it looks like they’re putting some money into restoration and signage. And even through the fog of my atrocious memory, I did recognize a lot of it. I’d like to say I had a flood of old memories about the times I had been there. It would be the perfect place for a cinematic flashback. Maybe eating Tanghulu with friends or skating on a board across the frozen lake.
I didn’t of course, and I’m a bit sad about that. Teaching in Shenyang was without a doubt one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life, and living in Shenyang changed my life for the better in so many ways, but that thing about not being able to go home again isn’t a cliché for nothing, right? I didn’t get a chance to meet up with any of the people I knew then, and maybe that would make a difference, but frankly, I think I’m just a very different person than I was, and in any case, I don’t seem to do reminiscing or memory of any kind very well.
When I see Shenyang today, I still feel very much a part of the city, I really do, but it’s a very sad, broken down place. I did see a few areas that were a little less depressed than I did yesterday, but they were outnumbered by the uncountable half-finished and crumbling buildings, complexes that look newly built, but already falling apart and shuttered shops – It seems like half the shops in Shenyang are closed. In some ways I feel like I abandoned the city too. It was easy for me to leave, but the people I knew didn’t have that choice. I hope they are doing alright.
Tonight I’m headed back to Beijing, and I’m looking forward to it. I think I’ll always be of Shenyang, but once again, it’s time to move on.
